I am so proud of myself for getting through one of the most challenging weeks ever. A few days ago, I had one of the worst bipolar episodes I’ve ever had, which *almost* kept me from finishing the production of my album. I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF FOR PRODUCING THIS PIECE OF ART & persevering!! Challenges are cool and stuff but I miss my sweet love 💕 and can’t wait to come home !!!
My bipolar/trauma brain is not fucking around this summer. I had one of the hardest 24 hours of my life, and it feels urgent to share how incredibly necessary having a crisis plan for yourself is. If you are prone to intense episodes like me, where the shame spinning might take you to a place that scares you or other people, don’t wait until it gets bad enough to address it. Actually write it out. Let your BFF know they are on your crisis call list, find an app that has calming sounds or emergency meditations, journal through that shit, call your mom, watch a show that chills you out. I was not prepared, but I am now. God bless my sweet love and her care while I was in crisis on the other side of the country. I’ve never known such empathy & grace. God bless @tvb.music, my bff of 11 years, who let me cry all over his apartment. God bless everyone working on Grief Creature with me; it is proving to be the most transformative body of work I’ve ever made, but I’ve never been *this* much of a mess while making something. And god bless my own resilience. God bless crying in public. God bless the will to live. God bless baristas & bartenders. God bless therapists. God bless everyone trying & waking up, even if it hurts. God bless my heart & fight & God bless the little me that sometimes feels very afraid of the world. If you are feeling like the world is very heavy, too? I promise it will be okay. Deep breaths. Zoom out. Find your people and hug them. Make a plan. You can do this.
When I engage with social media, I take FOREVER to post. I spend about 5 minutes on different filters, I think about what time I’m potentially posting at for both PST and EST, I think about how the post looks next to my other posts, and don’t even get me started about the caption. Sometimes (like now!), I take 30 minutes to over an hour to write a caption, even if it’s simple. I’ll put it in a word document before I post. I’ll cross-check definitions. Even after I’ve posted, I’ll edit the caption 2-3 times. Re-read over and over. Sometimes, I’ll delete the whole thing. I feel like I get frozen in a warp of anxiety that I’ll upset people by saying something without thinking, or I’ll seem indulgent if I post selfies, or that I’ll annoy people with how loudly I love my partner. Rationally, I know these things aren’t true. Rationally, I know the people I care about just want to see me happy. Paige inspires me because she posts in the moment, joyfully, genuinely, and with vulnerability. Also, she does it so fast! She doesn’t make herself sick over trying to control what people think. She’s just living her hot babe professor life, hanging with our dog, traveling, and lovin’ on me. Even when some of my misguided fans message her for weird & random shit (also please stop doing that??), she’s still vulnerable and effusive, and SO GOOD at sharing. I wonder if part of my anxiety about posting, is that I worry everything I post or say, will be attached to a motivation & intention, and I want to control how others think of me. I’m even doing it now!! In some way, that’s kind of what’s been going on with the album. I want every song to be flawless, to be exactly what I want to communicate, to be understood. I feel like I’m in quicksand, and I don’t know how to get out. So much of my life, I haven’t been understood! And now that I am finally expressing who I really am in my daily life (it only took 30 years!) and in a transformative, healthy relationship where I am unconditionally loved, I want to be able to express that joy in a digital form. This is all to say, I’m going to be working on this!! I want to share my joy!! Has anyone else experienced this??
Very very excited about my only TWO shows for the next couple of months while I finish the record! ✨ Catch me in LA for the @raiseachild Honors (a summer benefit concert, building loving families for foster children!!), where I’ll be singing a song with my MOM, and the Toronto BRAVE festival this weekend, where I am BRINGING MY DOG 🐕 (she is not singing)