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2019
Emery Acoustic: Live in Houston (Live Acoustic)
2019
You Were Never Alone
2018
Revival: Emery Classics Reimagined
2018
Eve
2014
20th Century Masters - The Millennium Collection: The Best Of
2011
10 Years
2011
We Do What We Want
2010
Are You Listening?
2009
In Shallow Seas We Sail
2008
While Broken Hearts Prevail
2007
I'm Only a Man
2007
I'm Only a Man (Bonus Track Version)
2005
The Question
2004
The Weak's End
AUG
17
Hawthorne Heights with Emery at Garden Grove Amphitheatre (Garden Amp) (August 17, 2019)
Venue: Garden Grove Amphitheatre (Garden Amp) (Garden Grove, CA, US) Find tickets
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18
Hawthorne Heights with Emery and Oh, Sleeper at Irenic (August 18, 2019)
Venue: Irenic (San Diego, CA, US) Find tickets
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19
Hawthorne Heights with Emery at The Boardwalk (August 19, 2019)
Venue: The Boardwalk (Orangevale, CA, US) Find tickets
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20
Hawthorne Heights with Emery at Full Circle Brewery (August 20, 2019)
Venue: Full Circle Brewery (Fresno, CA, US) Find tickets
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21
Hawthorne Heights with Emery at Backstage Bar & Billiards (August 21, 2019)
Venue: Backstage Bar & Billiards (Las Vegas, NV, US) Find tickets
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22
Hawthorne Heights with Emery at The Crescent Ballroom (August 22, 2019)
Venue: The Crescent Ballroom (Phoenix, AZ, US) Find tickets
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23
Hawthorne Heights with Emery and Oh, Sleeper at Sunshine Theater (August 23, 2019)
Venue: Sunshine Theater (Albuquerque, NM, US) Find tickets
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24
Hawthorne Heights with Emery and Oh, Sleeper at Jake's Backroom (August 24, 2019)
Venue: Jake's Backroom (Lubbock, TX, US) Find tickets
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25
Hawthorne Heights with Emery and Oh, Sleeper at Trees (August 25, 2019)
Venue: Trees (Dallas, TX, US) Find tickets
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26
Hawthorne Heights with Emery and Oh, Sleeper at Empire Control Room & Garage (August 26, 2019)
Venue: Empire Control Room & Garage (Austin, TX, US) Find tickets
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27
Hawthorne Heights with Emery and Oh, Sleeper at Scout Bar (August 27, 2019)
Venue: Scout Bar (Houston, TX, US) Find tickets
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28
Hawthorne Heights with Emery at Paper Tiger (August 28, 2019)
Venue: Paper Tiger (San Antonio, TX, US) Find tickets
Roxanne Emery Aug 06, 2019
We have the same taste in music. And we use the same phone. The girl on the right says YES. The girl on for left says NO. Who ever thought putting on a wig would literally change my entire life! But it has. I have a new found confidence and freedom, in music, and in myself. I am not ashamed to tell you the girl on the left gave up music many times, feels like shit a lot, doubts herself, isn’t sure what she is doing, thinks her music sucks sometimes, thinks she shares too much, gets anxiety and can’t sing in sessions, feels like an imposter, feels too old... But also I am not ashamed to tell you the girl on the right does not give a fuck. She says DO IT ANYWAY. She says FUCK IT. She says WHATS THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN? She says YES. I am 34 years old, and starting my career as an artist. More than a fight against industry standards, this is a fight against myself, and all the self limiting beliefs I have absorbed. What does life look like with NO LIMITS? What does it look like with NO FEAR? I guess I am going to find out... it’s scary as hell but I am in for the ride. For anyone who missed it RØRY is my artist project and where lots of music is coming from... the latest release is “Riptide”.
Roxanne Emery Jul 26, 2019
Dear God, I’ve been fucking up. Crying myself to sleep. Beating myself up. Worrying about the million things I have to do. Doing none of them. I haven’t worked out. I haven’t meditated. I haven’t journaled. I haven’t been to a meeting. I am all over the place. I feel like I am drowning. Sorry about that... I know that isn’t really the point of this whole life thing. It just gets a little heavy sometimes. Can you help me today? Help me see things clearly? Help me feel peaceful? Help me make the next right move? I simply can’t handle this on my own. I mess everything up when I am in control. So... here you go. Have my day. In fact. Have the next few weeks. If you do a good job maybe you can help with the whole rest of my life, no pressure obvs. You will certainly handle this better than I could (not much a compliment right now in all honesty). All I ask is that I get to drink coffee, write some lovely songs, make some other people’s lives better, and do it all while not hating myself. Thanks in advance x
Roxanne Emery Jul 20, 2019
For my dear friend, Emily Hartridge. Emily Hartridge
Roxanne Emery Jul 10, 2019
The first 100 days were HARD. But ultimately they were the days that changed my life. Taking control of my physical health has led to better mental health, and a much happier existence. It's 100% time for some new adidas though!
Roxanne Emery Jul 07, 2019
Real talk: I used to think yoga was for knobs. Although, I also hated vegans and said I’d never trust a person who didn’t drink so LOL universe, you got me. Yoga is amazing for a few reasons... • you grow in strength without beasting your body • you become more flexible, less achey and all the other 30+ bullshit we have to deal with • it’s as good for your body as it is your mind ...and last but not least: • YOU CAN DO IT AT HOME I’m currently on a budget, working to repay debts I clocked up over the last few years, so, there are no candlelit classes for me right now (they are the absolute best though and if you are good with money and have some cash to splash I would highly recommend them!) Anyway... back go why it’s amazing that we can do it at home: ⏰ it takes less time! No travelling to the gym 👙 you can do it in underwear 😖 no embarrassment about being seen 🧘‍♀️ you can go at your own a pace 💰 it’s free All I need for yoga at home is: 🧘‍♀️ a yoga mat (mine is from Gaiam) 📼 the free 30 day courses from Yoga With Adriene on YouTube Maybe yoga is still for knobs. But if it’s zen, flexible, healthy knobs, maybe it’s not so bad... have you ever tried yoga?
Roxanne Emery Jul 07, 2019
Imposter syndrome.
Roxanne Emery Jul 04, 2019
I had accepted my place in the world. I knew my “best case scenario”. To pay my rent by writing dance toplines. And possibly releasing the odd solo single. I was: •too old •too fat •too lazy •not good enough ...for anything else. Hit records? They weren’t for me. They were reserved for other people. People that had a ‘magic’ I didn’t possess. My small thinking was already starting me off at a disadvantage. If I didn’t believe I could write a huge song, I was limiting myself from the start. I was aiming low on purpose. I wasn’t even giving myself a chance. When we don’t believe we can achieve something. We don’t even try. And what happens? We miss 100% of the opportunities we don’t show up for. When we allow ourselves to believe, we can show up, in full confidence and courage and say “why not me”. I did a hell of a lot of self esteem work (and this is an on going process!) and surrounded myself with people who thought BIG. People who challenged me to say “why can’t we write a hit?”. A song I co-wrote is currently in the Top 100 Spotify global chart. A goal I wouldn’t have even dared to dream just over a year ago. I decided it was possible. And I went after it. And now I challenge myself everyday to think BIG. So today I have question for you... what is your DREAM? Your soul purpose for being alive? What does it look like to walk in this identity without fear or self limiting belief? Call yourself out when you hear yourself thinking small. Push yourself over your comfort zone. Challenge your self imposed boundaries. Envision a way where this WORKS. Everyday we have to fight to stay out of our own way. To grow. To believe. To achieve.
Roxanne Emery Jul 03, 2019
The magic of collaboration!
Roxanne Emery Jul 02, 2019
What problems were you dealing with one year ago? What problems are you dealing with today? If those problems are the same. It’s time to STOP. And to make a change. You are in control of your life, and your experiences. The more I walk this healing journey, the more I realise this... You are capable of growing, changing, and overcoming. I want you to write down your recurring problems. Problems that seem to follow you around... whether it’s bad luck, difficult relationships, friends leaving, an addiction, dent, low self esteem, a negative behaviour pattern... IT’S TIME TO OVERCOME IT. Your brain is INCREDIBLE. It can heal. It can learn. It can change your very experience of life. When you know what your recurring patterns are, it’s time to LEARN. Search out audiobooks and podcasts that deal with what you are struggling with. From weight to finances to low self esteem, there is someone who has walked this journey before, overcome it, and is sharing their story. Last year I was caught in drinking, weed smoking, low self esteem, low levels of self care, and bad relationships... I have dedicated a year to growing and it has worked. Right now my problems are money and love, and I commit myself to learning and to changing so that next year I am not in the same place. You are not powerless. This isn’t just your personality. Anything change. You are incredible. Magical. A miracle. It’s to see how far you can go...
Roxanne Emery Jun 30, 2019
13 months later. Here’s to... The girl who quits everything. The girl that follows every fad. The girl that says she will and then doesn’t. The girl who cries in front of the mirror. The girl who hates herself. The girl who says “it starts tomorrow” The “just one more” girl “The only way through a hangover is to drink” girl The secret binge eating girl. The self harming girl. The smoking weed just to sleep girl. The girl who thought she had failed. The girl who thought it was too late. The girl who knew she could be more but didn’t know how. Here’s also to: The girl that started walking. The girl that started to learn about health. The girl who relapsed but kept going. The girl who became obsessed and had to stop working out. The girl that made a lot of wrong turns but stayed focused on where she was going. The girl who got sober. The girl who fell, but got back up every single time. The girl who began to fall in love with food. The girl who fell in love with moving. The girl that wakes up with a smile on her face. The girl that knows she is worthy. The girl that knows she can accomplish anything. The same girl. A new mindset. The fact I am sober, not self harming, and not causing a lot of pain to other people is the miracle. Healing is holistic. And it can start today if you just believe you are worthy. You are in control. And you can.
Roxanne Emery Jun 29, 2019
Two people are climbing a mountain. They have heard of the magical view from the top of this mountain. As they are climbing, they come to a ravine! To keep climbing they will need to jump across. There is a 100ft sharp drop between the sides of the mountain. The first climber says: “there is no way this is possible. It’s just far too risky. I’m really scared. I know I’m going to fall...” The second climber says “people have done this before. It’s not a big jump actually in distance. We can absolutely make this if we focus and go for it!” If you were to bet which climber makes it across, which would it be? Kinda obvious right... number 2! The guy who doesn’t think he’s getting across is so focussed on falling he probably will. But the girl seems confident and focussed, that seems like a better mind set to attempt the jump! Mind set is EXTRAORDINARILY important. Pretty much all of us would choose the confident jumper if we had to place a bet. We intrinsically know that confidence is part of success. So today I ask you this... if the view from the mountain top is your wildest dreams and goals coming true, and the jump is what you have to do to get there... Do you approach your jump (your process, your story, your work) with an attitude of fear and failure? Or are you confident and focussed? 🙏🏼 Self limiting belief and fear of failure knocks so many people out of the game and stops them achieving their dreams. Check your mindset. Check your internal conversation. Change “I can’t” and “it won’t work” to “I can and “this WILL work”. Magic happens when we BELIEVE in our vision. That’s how we have the courage to make the leap. And get to the top.
Roxanne Emery Jun 28, 2019
A budget photoshoot.
Roxanne Emery Jun 28, 2019
Roxanne Emery
Roxanne Emery Jun 28, 2019
Roxanne Emery's cover photo
Roxanne Emery Jun 27, 2019
Imagine that you are attending a work conference. You know lots of people there so you feel happy and confident. You can’t wait to network and to meet new people, but also to catch up with a lot of old friends! You arrive early on the first day and head straight down for breakfast. Whilst getting your second helping of pancakes, you spot someone walking through the door. They look shy, and unsure of themselves. They eventually make their way over to you and quietly introduce themselves. “Hi.. I’m Abby. I’m here for the conference and in all honesty I am feeling really nervous because I don’t know anyone” What would you say to Abby? Would you laugh at her? Judge her? Ignore her? NO. Most likely you would smile, put your arm around her and say something like “omg these things are really nerve wracking aren’t they?! Don’t worry at all. You can hang out with me.” When we see someone struggling, when someone asks for help, our instinct is to help, and support. Read that again: the human instinct is to help and support when we see someone struggling. Now please imagine that the nervous person is you. It’s you attending the conference or any other event where you may get social anxiety - the first day of uni, the first day of work, a conference, a large party... We often feel out of place, like we are being stared at, like we don’t belong, like our awkwardness is echoing so loudly from the walls, like we are being judged, like we are wearing the wrong thing and oh my god don’t even mention where the hell are we supposed to look and why am I holding my hands so weirdly?! As anxiety takes hold. Other humans become judgement monsters. The fear clouds our vision. In these moments I encourage you to remember how you responded to Abby. With kindness and empathy. Next time you are suffering with social anxiety, tell someone. Be vulnerable. Whether it’s texting a friend to meet you outside, or quietly approaching a stranger, you will be amazed not only how lovely humans are, but what this can do for deeper connections and relationships. Remember, we’re in this together.
Roxanne Emery Jun 26, 2019
Starting a song idea.
Roxanne Emery Jun 18, 2019
Today it’s a different kind of before and after. The photo on the left is taken after I’d just got back from Amsterdam, and was in the middle of a very horrible break up. I had very bad anxiety, and zero appetite for over a week. My sleep was also really affected and I was taking pills to help me. It’s strange to think that for so many of us the goal is just “I want to lose weight”. “I want to look thin”. That was my goal for over 10 years. That somehow, losing that extra 10 lbs will make us happier, or more worthy. Well... here I am at my thinnest. My body shrunk very quickly, and I felt weak. My muscle was disappearing (I can only imagine it was being used for fuel because I wasn’t eating). When I look at this at this picture I don’t see “goals” or a “finally thin” body. I see a person who is really struggling. On the right is me today. I feel strong, and more importantly, I feel happy. I am still working on my relationship with food, exercise, and my own body, but I want to take a moment to appreciate a different kind of progress. A progress to strength, and health. Today I ask you... what are your physical health goals? If they are simply to lose weight, I would question you to look deeper. What is it about thinness that you want so much? Could you reformulate your goals to reflect increasing health, strength, and happiness?
Roxanne Emery Jun 15, 2019
9 months sober today. It would be impossible without being in recovery, and working the 12 steps. For me, and many others, this process is a miracle. When I say I am sober today, I don’t just mean I am not drunk or high. I mean my mind is sober. My thoughts are clear. My emotions are present and real. My purpose being realised. I am calmer, and happier than I have ever been. It doesn’t mean I don’t fight, or struggle, but I do so with extremely strong roots. I am stable. Not drinking alcohol is the first step in a 1000 step journey in which my truest potential, as a happy, healthy, and healed human is being realised. Sobriety is a way of life. It affects my friendships, how I love, how I do business, how I show up on social media, how I navigate conflict. It’s a reset from the very core of our beings. It’s changed my personality. Or perhaps, restored it. The warning signs were there for me, and I would have told you to “fuck off” if you raised them to me. But here they are, presented with the gift of hindsight: •always the first to the bar •drinking faster than others •regular blackouts •saying I wouldn’t drink today and then drinking •over spending on alcohol •pressuring others to drink •unable to go out without a drink •unable to fly without a drink m •losing keys / bag / phone when drunk •doing drugs when drunk •getting into fights •hangovers became normal If this resonates. Help is available. There is no shame, alcohol is POWERFUL. Check out your nearest 12 step meeting. Full recovery, beyond what you can even comprehend, is available
Roxanne Emery Jun 12, 2019
Today I finished a song, and made a new biography for a music project I am working on. And I am really proud of myself! My brain can get caught in a loop with things I have to do... no joke. Things can sit on my to do list for MONTHS. It’s like I am blocked when thinking about them and I just can’t complete the tasks. I tell me team “I swear it’s coming tomorrow!”... and tomorrow never comes. I get so overwhelmed by seeing the things I have to do, that I end up not doing any of it. I am learning to go easy on myself. Not to expect myself to do huge amounts of work, because it quite simply won’t get done. (And then I am left in a useless shame cloud questioning what’s wrong with me.) Some days I feel like a super hero, I can work out, blog, write a song, clean the house, and catch up with friends. Other days? It’s a struggle doing one of those things. Now I try and focus on small victories. Even accomplishing one thing and ticking it off is worth celebrating. It means I am moving forward. I’ll sit with a coffee after I complete something. And tell myself “well done”. I’ll check in with myself and my energy levels for if I can do something else. “The man who moves a mountain starts simply by moving a few small stones.” Today I encourage you to look at your to do list, and the expectations you have of yourself to be constantly grinding, and rather than stress about how much you have to do. Pick one thing. And just do that. And if that’s all you do today, it’s ok. It’s ok that we can’t do everything. It’s ok to take long breaks. It’s ok to have days off. It’s ok to go slowly. It’s ok to check your energy. It’s ok to say no. You are powerful. Don’t let an out of control to do list tell you otherwise.
Roxanne Emery Jun 11, 2019
I talk a lot about “being in recovery”. That means that I am attending 12 step meetings, and working through the 12 step program. There are so many different groups available for so many different addictions. If you’re an alcoholic, drug addict, co-dependent, sex-addict... there is a place for you to go. To spend time with other humans with similar stories to yours, who will all help you get better. One thing that plays on my mind is that so many more people are suffering than those with an often obvious addiction. We can be trapped by: •anxiety •depression •low self esteem •self harm All of these things are addictions in a way. And I know all of them could be helped by the same tools that recovery programs use. One of the key elements of recovery meetings, is spending time with other humans. Face to face. Listening. Understanding. Helping. It’s a space to share our true selves and be seen and heard. I was so happy to read that my wonderful friend Emily Hartridge has arranged a mental health meet up and walk! Where women will meet in London, share their stories, and spend time together. Emily is bringing one of the most healing parts of recovery to everyone. I can’t wait to attend her first mental health meet up in London, lovingly named “Brain Buddies”! If you are London based. Come and say hi! DETAILS: Saturday 15th June Battersea Park 2pm Meeting point: Go Ape Note: FEMALE ONLY I hope to see some of you there. And for those of you not in London / male: if you are struggling with: •alcohol •drugs •sex / love •gambling •co-dependency Google your nearest meeting! A new life awaits. For those suffering in other areas. Perhaps you could arrange your own mental health meet ups inspired by Emily? Human connection is PARAMOUNT to healing.
Roxanne Emery Jun 10, 2019
I want to talk about behavioural red flags that tell us something is going on emotionally. I always wondered why I was so bad at taking caring of myself, here are some behaviours that I had until only last year, they were their most extreme when I lived alone in London and was depressed: •not showering regularly •not cleaning my space •not cleaning my teeth •not cleaning my clothes, often wearing the same clothes for days •not washing my bed sheets •passing out drunk and sleeping on the sofa I told myself “I am just a shit human. I can’t do this stuff like other people” There was a lot of shame in the way that I lived. If a friend came over unexpectedly, I would panic so much about what they would think of the mess and dirt I lived in. And if I had notice someone was coming around, I would clean. Other people were worthy of cleanliness. It’s not that I couldn’t do this stuff. It’s that I honestly didn’t feel worthy of cleanliness, and felt a sense of powerlessness over my lifestyle. Over the last year I have learned how to take care of myself. It’s involved learning new skills, building new habits, and it’s come in tandem with loving myself a whole lot more. I respect my mind and my body. I don’t want to be in dirty sheets and clothes. Sometimes the old behaviours pop up. Like the other day. I didn’t clean my teeth. I didn’t take my make up off. I slept in a bed with no sheets. The next day I realised something was going on inside that needed attention. When our basic self care isn’t there, it’s because we need help somewhere. It’s a “behavioural cry for help”. If your self care is slipping, or hasn’t been in a good place for a while, you do not need to feel shame. IT’S OK. You are human. It’s time to look deeper inside to find the feeling of powerlessness and unworthiness that have you caught there. And work on them. Every time I wash my clothes, or clean, I feel so good. It’s a miracle to me. A reminder that I am worthy, and I am in control.
Roxanne Emery Jun 08, 2019
This morning I woke up sad. Something had started bubbling yesterday, a sense that something was off, but I wasn’t aware enough to name it, or sit with it. My mind waved some red flags. Some behaviours that show a low level of self care. When my self care goes, the energy to love myself, that means internally something is in conflict, here were yesterday’s red flags: •not cleaning my room despite needing to •sleeping in yesterday’s clothes •not taking my make up off •not cleaning my teeth •not making my bed and sleeping in a duvet with no cover Upon waking all I could say was “I feel SAD”. But I felt a few other things too: overwhelmed, useless, scared. I made the decision to sit with how I was feeling. And see what needed attention. 5 minutes of disorientating emotion later, I saw what I needed to. A work situation was upsetting me. A situation tied into my personal life. I connected the dots. I communicated to the people I work with. And immediately felt better. Emotions can be scary. “Am I going to feel like this all day?” “Is my depression back?” “What’s wrong with me?”. But these thoughts do not help us... instead I encourage us all to practice RAIN. An incredible method of self compassion that I learned about from Tara Brach RECOGNISE - are you feeling something? Can you name it? ALLOW - let it be there. Don’t try to make it go away or to fix it. Sit with the emotion however hard INVESTIGATE - with kindness and compassion. Where is the root? What is on your heart? NUTURE - with love and compassion... what do you need? Can you offer yourself love and hope? Emotions and feelings are waves. If we just learn a few sailing skills, life becomes a lot smoother.
Roxanne Emery May 28, 2019
ONE YEAR LATER. Why did I start? Well... because I hated myself. I hated being out of breath climbing the stairs. I hated the fact that I smelled. In between my boobs used to smell. I hated the bloated feeling I had all the time. I hated failing at every diet. I hated myself in photos taken by other people. I hated my reflection in a shop window. Oh dear... that is a lot of hate. I WISH I could turn back time and change all of that. And start for this reason “I love my body. I want to honour it, and put my health first”. Hey... we live and learn... so, using all that hate as a motivator I set out to lose weight. Here’s what happened: I smashed myself in the gym, only to end up hating myself for missing workouts and not being dedicated enough. I restricted my diet severely, only to end up hating myself when I binged and even tried to make myself throw up! Even as I was losing weight, the thing I thought was the answer, there was still so much HATE. So... the biggest thing I have learned? You cannot HATE your body into being something you LOVE. Self-hate will follow you everywhere. It is only when you deal with hating yourself things will change for the good. I needed to put some love back in. •to love my scars, my cellulite, my muscles, my love handles •to move in a way I loved! For me that’s a little bit of yoga, a little bit of gym, and no guilt •to love food again! I eat mainly whole food vegan but have stopped restricting cakes, sweets, and sugar. If I want it, I’ll eat it! I am not on a diet any more. I just want to live the rest of my life honouring my body and my mind. That’s it. I am sorry for all the times I glamorised weight loss. I am sorry if I ever made you feel less than. I am sorry if my photos caused feelings of unworthiness. You are absolutely beautiful. Your body is unique. And if you are looking for a goal? Make it self love.
Roxanne Emery May 26, 2019
I’ve always wondered when it would be ok to say that “I am a songwriter.” When I could confidently tell people that is what I do, with no need to qualify or explain. I can’t tell you the amount of times I have said: “I’m kind of a songwriter” “I write songs but nothing you would have heard of” I guess it will be when I hit a certain goal... Maybe it will be when I write a song that gets a million streams? No... that wasn’t enough. Maybe I’ll feel it at 10 million. No... that wasn’t enough. I guess I have to wait until 100 million then? Maybe it will be when a song I write is played on the radio! No... that wasn’t enough. Maybe when a song I write is on heavy rotation on radio. No, that wasn’t enough either. I guess it will need to be the biggest radio hit of the year then? Every time I got to the marker I had chosen as “finally worthy of being called a songwriter” status, the goal post moved. Successes I had yearned for were dwarfed by the next goal. I didn’t get to enjoy it, or be proud of it. So then... rather than wait for the 100 million streams, or the huge radio hit. What can I do? Calling myself a songwriter doesn’t lie in my future. There is no goal I can reach that will finally make me feel worthy. Because there will always be another goal. Maybe the key to my identity as a songwriter lies somewhere in my past instead then? So I looked back... and there was a 12 year old girl, sat at a piano, writing a song called “Thrills and Spills”. She didn’t know what she was doing. She had never studied songwriting or heard of it as a career. But there she was. Writing a song. Complete with verse, bridge, and chorus. That is the day I become a songwriter. The day I wrote my first song. So hi! I’m Roxanne. And I’m a songwriter. It’s an awesome job! I am also many other things. I’m sober, I’m passionate about mental health, I’m incredibly awkward. This is just a part of what I do. But it’s a passion and I am very, very grateful to do it. What is it that you do?
Roxanne Emery May 22, 2019
Until this year, in conversations with a friend (who is also a counsellor and hypnotherapist) I had no idea that I had been in an emotionally abusive relationship in my past. This relationship had a HUGE affect on me. And I never realised. I didn’t know that what was happening was abuse. Emotional abuse can happen between romantic partners, friendships, family members, co-workers... and it’s very different for everyone. Here is what I felt like in my situation: •constantly in fear of the reaction I was going to get •one day being treated amazingly, the next being screamed at •guilt being used to manipulate me •having my emotions and experience invalidated, being called “crazy” •having my faults consistently highlighted •never receiving an apology •having the person deny they had said and done hurtful things •gifts always came with strings attached and would be used against me •feeling like I was walking on egg shells constantly •feeling drained and confused •regularly left in tears The cumulative affect of this led to loss of trust in myself, low self esteem, putting the abuser on a pedestal, and living in fear and anxiety. I didn’t begin to hate them, I began to hate myself. You may ask, “well why didn’t you stick up for yourself?”. Well, every time I tried, my words would get twisted, I would be screamed at, and punished for criticising this person. It became easier just to take it. I’d fall silent and let this person scream at me. I told myself they didn’t really mean it, that they actually loved me, and that it would be ok again soon. I’m currently in the process of unpacking what happened. Understanding it in this new context, and working to heal the trauma it left me with. I can attribute a lot of my triggers, and panic reactions to this relationship. And as I slowly start to reprogram my central nervous system (with hypnotherapy) I can see the fear cloud that I was living under. But, that cloud is lifting.